Don't Dream It's Over

You know that annoying feature on Facebook that shows you all your old posts, all those memories from way back when. Back when none of our status’ were that exciting and we probably all put more “you ok Hun” inciting posts than we cared to admit? Yeah, we were young, it’s fine. My Facebook memories from the past few years, over 2016 to 2018 though are all, unsurprisingly about the 12. The 12in12, 12 in 1 month, 12 in 12 days…and I feel kind of crappy that this July, there is no Big 12.

At the start of this year I was pretty public about taking a step back, it was time for a step back for a few reasons and despite this I did still plan to do something big. That was the plan, but I have decided that I won’t be, at least not in a form that I have come up with yet.

This year I had to take a break for myself; not from running, not from marathons (Lord knows I love a marathon) and not from charity.

At the end of 2018 I had some very scary and very real things happening in my own life to my own body. Before I say anymore, first of all I need to say; specialists have confirmed that I am fine, this isn’t looking for sympathy (I don’t need it) and I am unlikely to ever go into detail about this – not until it stops feeling so raw at least.

I was in two minds whether to write about this at all. But part of me hopes that it may be cathartic, or at least gives me a push to get the 12 back on track. Because this is what I want, I wanted the 12 to continue this year and next year, and hopefully after that too.

This isn’t an “embrace every moment” post. Because believe me, over the past few months I didn’t want to embrace anything. All I wanted was to wake up and have everything be just a nightmare. But what I do want to say, is that now that I am moving on from this time, I want to resurrect all that I was ignoring while I dealt with my own business. I haven’t given the 12 much focus at all, but I will be again.

What I do want to say is that if you have any concerns about your health – go and see someone. If you feel lost, go and talk to someone. Tell the friends that you feel most comfortable with, and this doesn’t need to be every friend who offers a shoulder. This is important. I shared what I was going through with a small number of friends, friends who would be there for me in very different ways. The friend who has faced health issues of her own, friends who let me sing my problems and worries at them (because sometimes saying words are hard and singing always helps). The friend who can always makes me laugh at the darkest of things and mixes support and love with, sometimes at my expense. And the friends who have let me sob and ugly cry in their kitchen. Last Monday I had never been so delighted to start a text with “You were right, I was wrong”. (It was a one off, I won’t make that statement again). But in all seriousness, I had no idea whether I would be sending good news or bad news (although to be honest had it been bad news I probably wouldn’t have said anything and just taken myself away and hid). My mind had spent over six months preparing me for the latter, so I guess that gives you an idea about the frame of mind that I have been in.

The 12in12 has been a success because of my friends and family. And I am coming out one of the worst periods of my life thanks to my friends and family. So sorry, lads, you are stuck with me and the 12 a little bit longer.

Thank you, love you.

C x